there's this word that i always feel, but i don't think the word exists. at least, not in english.

i asked my sister if they could send me some sheet music and some candy.
today i got the package, and it was like opening a package of love.

like the contents of the box really had such small monetary value, but to actually send the package was hecka expensive.
but that's what i love about it so much. that they don't say, why would we waste so much money to send something that you could live without, and costs like a fifth of the shipping price.

man, why is life so so beautiful? why aren't we robots or something?
how come we can feel and create and understand?

today was so nice. actually before that even happened, so many good things already happened.
thank you so much.

don't worry be happy.

the other day, i was talking to someone about our life here in korea. they said that this was one of the best and easiest times of their life, but actually it was hard because now they have to leave that comfort and make it difficult so that they can continue to grow through suffering and struggles.
i don't know, but when i hear stuff like that it kinda turns me off.
i don't like the idea that life is about struggling, and whoever suffers the most wins, and whoever lives laughing and being happy can never grow and become a good person. of course i think you can gain a lot and a certain amount of struggle is needed to have a deeper understanding of things, etc, but i don't think it should be your goal in life.
and idk i think it's so nice to give joy to others, but how can one do that if you're not joyful yourself?

i was wondering if it was okay that this is how i feel, and then last night i read this:


"even if a person becomes an absolute being, or establishes an absolute purpose, it will be of no use unless this person is joyful. Our daily lives should be joyful." -smm

that makes me feel like god really loves us.



i think that we all have a different approach on life that makes us who we are, and helps us achieve and live the way that is most fulfilling. if we all saw life the same way, it would be so boring right? i don't think a certain way is wrong or right,
but at least i know i'm allowed to be happy haha

time for a walk

i don't like to study for exams.
cramming doesn't make sense to me. i'm craving ambrosia.

i would much rather just take the day to relax, and take a walk with my guitar, and listen to music. and eat choco rolls with chocolate cream.
which is exactly what i have done.

tomorrow we have more midterms, and everyone is hiding in their room and studying. it makes sense to study a lesson you just learned that day, but to try and study everything you've learned the semester in one day? i think it's a waste of time, and makes you nervous and stressed.

okay so i made a recipe in my head, i think it will taste really good. haha i used to do this a lot on stf when i was craving food, just make a recipe and then try it when i get the chance. well this one is really simple, not really a recipe but yeah.

two pieces of yummy bread (we're not talking wonderbread)
butter(softened, not melted)
powdered sugar
vanilla
chocolate chips
cocoa powder (unsweetened)

mix the softened butter, adding powdered sugar until desired consistency and taste. then add vanilla and mix, and then add cocoa powder. mix mix mix.
and then add chocolate chips! and mix.
and then spread on the yummy bread and make a yummy sandwich. OR!
you can cut off the crust, and spread on the yummy bread and roll it into a yummy roll! yes yes. that sounds good.

and there is also a variation where you add crunchy peanut butter also.
i can't wait.

koreans have good food too.

more food that i wish i had:
ice cream sandwich (an american one)
buffalo wings
boba
pancakessssss
grilled cheese sandwich with tomato soup

i really like the feeling of seeing a lot of crows during dusk. like REALLY. i don't know why, but when i see a lot of crows on the telephone poles or something when it's really late afternoon or something, i just think it's so pretty and it makes me feel so good.
also in the series of unfortunate events "the vile village", every evening the crows fly from the city to this tree, and when i see it in my head it's just so beautiful.
the music video for "anthem of our dying day" also has this a little bit.


there is this chocolate chocopieish-but-not thing that is sooo good. this dream pie is one of the best snacks i have ever had. i am currently addicted, and i go crazy if i don't go to the store and get my fix. and if i'm not craving it but i get within twenty feet of one, it's like a magnet.
no, seriously.
i almost broke my neck last time, because the pull from my stomach to the dream pie was so sudden.

my brains for the past ten minutes in words

why do i feel like i have no time, when actually i have a very excessive amount of time? i mean i only go to school for four hours a day. that leaves twenty hours left.
okay, so five of those are taken up by working, so lets say technically there are nine hours a day where i'm not free to do whatever i wish.
still that is fifteen hours left.
so let's say i sleep a good eight hours a night, that leaves seven hours? if i'm not mistaken. so seven hours of whatever i want.

but why do i always come to the end of the day, and feel like i ran out of time? don't ask me what for. i have no idea. i mean it's not like i'm trying to accomplish a mission and i just. need.. more.. time...

hmm. wait a minute.
one and a half of those seven hours is getting ready for school, eating breakfast, and then walking to school.
so that is five and a half hours.
one of those is eating dinner, so four and a half hours of free time?

what should i do? i like to read my national geographics. but i think most of that time is spent on the computer these days. well i finished the korean drama i was watching so actually maybe i can not be in front of the screen so much.
the drama was okay. i give it two thumbs sideways.
i am currently online shopping for a guitar. did you know in korea, you can buy a new acoustic guitar for fifty bucks, pay a little more than two dollars shipping and handling, and receive it in like two or three days? efficiency i say.

today, i ate so many chocopies. and chips. really a lot. i couldn't have stopped if you duct taped my mouth.
you know how when you're watching something like a movie or performance, you eat a lot more than you might if you weren't?

oh this interesting thing happened today. some friends and i were taking a bus back to campus, and in the middle of the city it stopped and just started going backwards. i guess something was wrong with the bus, so the bus driver just got out of the bus, took a smoke, and called another bus to come take us. we were on this other bus for about two minutes, when it broke down also. that's never happened to us before, and then twice in a row? actually i recall someone making a joke that i needed to leave the bus because i was making the bus break from having eaten too much at the performance. and some other people chimed in saying that they saw me eating a lot too. man that was awkward.

i mean come on guys. the lights were off and there was a show going on. nothing better to watch?

anyway we ended up taking yet another bus back, but it was just really funny.

i basically just wrote all about my day or something.
aw man, speaking of which i'm supposed to write a korean diary for homework. maybe i should just copy and paste this into a korean translator. i have a feeling that story would not have a good ending.

do you think when you talk to yourself, you're really talking to yourself or some kind of subconscious fictional character that's not you?

i went to an amusement park today

even though they are much cheaper and not as impressively set up, i much prefer carnivals to amusement parks.

i think carnivals are more fun, are prettier, and nicer because you go at nighttime. not to mention they have better food. and don't feel like they're run by a robot.
even though the rides are not as exhilarating.

there's not much more exhilarating than buying a funnel cake from a freaky carnie with only two teeth, so it kind of makes up for it i guess.


would you guys hate me if i just wrote about all the foods that i want to eat? many times when i'm writing, i forget that people are going to be reading it.
gosh since i came here i really became obsessed with food. i don't know what it is. i mean okay i know before i came here i liked snacks and eating too, but REALLY whenever i talk to people i just want to talk about food, and write about food, and think about food. and whenever my teacher asks me a question in class in korean, like "what present would you like to recieve" or "what do you want to do after school" etc, it always involves eating, especially sweets.
oh my gosh.
a really rich chocolate cake with chocolate icing, but like REAL butter cream icing. oat meal creme pie, soft warm chewy homemade chocolate chip cookies. gummy bears and peach rings and haagen daz icecream, and chicken pot pie! and buffalo wings and a medium rare steak with garlic mashed potatoes. PANCAKES. blueberry pancakes and chocolate chip pancakes and harvest grain and nut pancake combo eggs over easy.

the love outside my window

"hello?"
"we are here."
"does anyone else know?"
"...no."
"you are beautiful."


"when i look at you, the world seems so clear!"
"you can look all you want."
"can i come see you every day?"
"please!"
"i will! i will wake up early. "
"we will wait here."
"what if i don't come?"
"we will still wait here."


"i like to count you! is that funny?"
"we like it when you count us!"
"you make everything better"
"oh, stop it."
"no, it's true. i...think i love you."








"....hi. i missed you."
"we are here."
"i haven't been coming to see you."
"it's okay. we can see you even if you don't look at us."
"i don't wake up early anymore."
"don't worry. come when you can. you are busy,
and we are just trees."

a bunny-less peepless chocolateless easter.

man, i didn't even know today was easter until way too late. i didn't even realize easter was coming.
that's the third holiday i've missed here. this is so lame. where is the chocolate? where the heck are the peeps??
i'm so hungry.

i miss texas. rawr.

oh oh oh guesswhat??
i bought rinse today :) and it really is rinse. cause the bottle says so and two people verified it. i'm so happy :)

so today for dinner, i was making some ramen. and some people saw me and asked if i wanted to eat dinner with them and i told them sorry but i had plans.

because i had planned to eat my ramen and watch a movie with myself and with my headphones in my room.
because i actually really enjoy eating while watching a movie really very much, and i was excited to do that. and i thought, man, now i'm turning people down to hang out with myself.
oh well.

but really? i can't believe i'm going to have to wait another year until i can eat my favorite marshmallow sugar coated chicks. and what if i'm in korea still and i don't get them?? fml.

i'm homesick.
i want a hot dog with the works.
i want pancakes.
i want to have a conversation with someone whose native language is english.
i want to play my guitarawrawrawr

oh, and korean dramas are lame and predictable and completely unrealistic.
and too dramatic.
i mean i know it's a drama, but seriously? the chick mops the floor and gets a nosebleed from "overwork". and then of course the dude has to pick her up and bring her to rest because she's totally incapable of walking herself. good grief.

okay i'll stop being a hater now.

i just really miss home
today. maybe tomorrow i'll be better.

thankyou

val·u·a·ble
   /ˈvælyuəbəl, -yəbəl/
–adjective
1.
having considerable monetary worth; costing or bringing a high price: a valuable painting; a valuable crop.
2.
having qualities worthy of respect, admiration, or esteem: a valuable friend.
3.
of considerable use, service, or importance: valuable information.


for some reason when i read this, i feel like this isn't what i mean when i say something is valuable.
but if i were going to try to describe it, i don't think i could do it any better than this dictionary definition.

sometimes i think there are so many things that are really valuable to me, whether it's material belongings or a friendship or a home or an email or a memory or a dollar. but i think, even if i lost everything i owned in a fire i wouldn't really be that upset. i mean it might be somewhat upsetting, but idk.

sometimes i want to let all the people in my life know how much they mean to me, but then i can't do it. i honestly don't think i understand what they mean to me. but a good chunk of people think that they mean as much to you as you express, which is rather unfortunate on my part.

right now i have 1050 won in my wallet, roughly a dollar. i've literally had to watch every single penny every day, and i planned and spent in a way so that this thursday night i would have this much, and i know exactly how i'm going to use it tomorrow. if someone gave me one dollar right now, that dollar would be so valuable, right?

there's a girl who goes to my school who basically just lost her whole family in a car accident.

how would it compare:
if i lost everything i physically owned, but still had my life and the lives of the people i love?
if i lost all of my memory but still had everything else and had these random people i didn't know that loved me?
if i lost all the people currently in my life but still had life and aspiration and a heart and god?
if i lost my physical life but was survived by people whom i love that are living a beautiful life?

"valuable" to me is something that means a lot.
sometimes i think everything is valuable. does that make sense?